Another major misunderstanding on Facebook just the other day; I think one thing the quarantine is bringing home to me, that when you are in the wrong place, and I surely am, that nothing you do ever turns out right, because you are so self-conscious of everything you do, you are bound to screw it up. Nobody ever said that lack of self-esteem is the narrow path to truth and success; they said the opposite actually. I live in a place where absolutely nothing has worked out for me, I feel completely like an alien here, and my profound lack of success with the opposite sex has given me a persecution complex beyond the wildest limits of my imagination.

A woman friend of around 40 thinks I am hitting on her; she is married with no kids; she is happily married from what I can tell. What she does not realize is that I have a profound aversion to adultery; My parents were in a nasty divorce when I was 12, and I was profoundly traumatized by that, and since it involved rather obvious adultery with a younger woman by my father, I doubt I am ever going to have a view of adultery that is positive. But since I am an older male close to senior citizenship, I assume this woman just thinks I am trolling for younger woman. Even though I have never even come within a thousand miles of adultery with anyone!

It just doesn't matter what I do in this state; it honest to God seems cursed. Why the hell I had the loyalty or insanity of being a liberal in a Bible thump state for 40 years, and never wanting to seriously move, is something for neurologists and shrinks to figure out, I have given up on it. I think it may have to do with the cataclysm of disloyalty that followed my parents break up--I became super-loyal to compensate for the original betrayal??? Not sure, but I am not so sad about all the misunderstanding; if people truly knew each other, they might be so shocked that social distancing would be inadequate to provide everyone with the necessary distance from strangers most would require after all was revealed. So I guess I will thank my guardian angel that I'm only alienated...

Why doesn't anyone come out with the honest truth and just say that reconciliation in this divided country would take mammoth amounts of humiliation and rejection, and the batting away of hands reaching across the aisle, and most have too much shitty personal pride ever to take such a humiliating and ego-crushing adventure. It might be worth it to the society; but personally, most would never venture forth. It's not a time for bullies; but we have been bullies for so long, we really don't know what else to do..

The present is the social distance between the past and the future; and the past being ignored in ahistorical America, makes it cast an even longer shadow--our amnesia is assurance that the dark shadow of suspicion of strangers that has haunted America since its inception, will never truly be expelled by the light of reason and compassion. I see short term heroics now, followed by our hunkering back down in our socio-economic classes and political divisions. Please world, prove me wrong.