You know, I don't really care about Christs miracles, whether raising the dead or changing water into wine or rebuking winds or doing the brilliant escape from the cave into everlasting life. Why do we need more magic tricks from this earth, by God or by man?

No, I love the longing for love that would make God come down into the earth in total humility and degradation, to walk with prostitutes and that most abhorrent of all miscreants, the tax collector. To be holy enough to ask a question of God like "why hast thou forsaken me?" To suffocate like a thirsty criminal, yet be totally innocent. We can debate whether God ever really needed to exist--would God not be like everything else on earth were that the case?

He seems most holy in the above cases of impossible sacrifice; of love that thinks not for itself, but in the radical cause of building ones self-preservation into the thought that life is love or it is nothing.

Jesus Christ, whether you strode thru the earth like a brief cataclysm of ridiculously earnest love, or was a myth born of some deeper place within the rat race, I love you like I love woman: The best in both of you I am not worthy of, so why be so selfish as to demand that either of you be real?

This clusterfuck response the feds have had is in spite of their being plenty of expertise to pursue the best course, means the Repulican Party is now the party of Trump, and regularly and vigorously opposes scientific analysis and expert advice. The cult of wanting to "drain the swamp" of the entrenched bureaucrats, apparently means getting rid of expert testimony that disagrees with the powers that be, on a very regular basis. Nice formula to lower the population count, if nothing else. My feeling is some day Trump will replace Harding, Nixon and company as the most corrupt group in history. No, I feel no satisfaction in stating that or believing it; I feel the opposite, dread and remorse...

In Sam's Club the other day: half the people are not wearing any sort of mask (though they sell them at Kroger now), and the pharmacist assures me this is pretty representative of the populace that shops there, and that is a sad commentary indeed, equating freedom with the right to ignore sound advice. I guess if you don't have chemo for your curable cancer, that can be an exercise in freedom, but an exercise in the insanity that can be free choice, not a wise exercise of freedom at all. It seems grossly childish, not to mention dangerous.

I keep seeing these commercials by this Spartz woman running for Congress, telling me how she will resist the Socialists in Washington, because she knows the disasters of Socialism, having emigrated from the Soviet Union 20 years ago, which means she came after the fall of Communism, not before. At any rate, trying to equate generous welfare states with the Soviet Union or North Korea, is like trying to equate a firecracker with a nuclear bomb. It's so ridiculous that it seems a product of either psychosis, or the idea that any lie is good if it leads to victory. Do these types of shrill ideologues ever have any limits?

Its hard to believe--and not hard to believe--that the grand American experiment started by the Mayflower ends in Pentocostals overwhelmingly supporting an anti-Christian who has no interest in Jesus Christ, and every interest in supporting his own cause over and above the cause of the country. Having done plenty of idiotic things in my own life, I know how easy it is to be lead astray, but one always hopes that in democracy--the worst system there is except all the others--one will develop some sort of herd intellectual immunity for all the foul winds of howling mass thought, but apparently it is not so. I do indeed tremble when I recall personal experiences of how ruthless reality can be with unrealistic dreamers. And evil is first and foremost, a real hater of reality.

Wondering whether I should venture out today to do the laundry, or throw it all in the bathtub and use a toilet plunger to agitate, rise it with my shower head, the wring dry and put it in the dryer (long story as to why I have a dryer and no working washer).

I am actually getting a food shipment today, so that perks me up a bit, as delivery has been backed up as an octogenarian on heroin.

I am going to try and order some more protein bars today, as I think these last forever and pack a decent meal wallop in each bar. I shall not and will not horde anything, including vital supplies. Which probably matters as much to the horders as anything else anybody says...

Last night the street was flooded out like a lake; it came up in the yard about 12 feet from the house and some moron in a small SUV plowed into the water and killed his/her engine, then had to push it back thru the lake and get the thing towed. How anybody at this point doesnt know about downpours and floods in this neighborhood flabbergasts me, so either the person is going thru and doesn't live here, or is basically totally new. Bet they won't do that after a severe thunderstorm again...

Even though we are basically isolated 25/7, I am still going to be rehabbing  the shoulder once a week with physical therapy, as I really need both arms in a crisis, and the left rotator cuff was really acting up after a fall, and the last thing an isolated person needs is more physical dysfunction. It would be great if I lived in the neighborhood of 15 years ago, as I would have lots of neighbors to help me. Now I only have one I really know, and she is probably working from home, so she is busy most of the time, but at least she's intelligent and conscientious, so if its an emergency...

We lost a lot of neighbors here just due to crime; one guy down the street who only lived here about a year, was here only a few months when somebody kicked down his door and stole his TV and some other electronics while he was away. When he came back he said he wanted to find them and shoot them. He moved away shortly thereafter, and a friend on the corner moved away after the hold up and robbery of a food truck operator down the street. 

I heard they have never solved those robberies either; and the Mexican family that got robbed was followed home by a pair who jumped out of the car and robbed their food truck as it parked in their home driveway, after driving the 5 miles from where they set up and actually operate. I heard the gentlemen was trying to yell as loud as he could when they stuck the gun in his face to wake the neighbors; he didnt get much of a response until far too late. These  food truck robberies came one on top of the other a couple of years ago; I dont know if the couple robbers, or however many there were, are still operating around town, or moved to greener safer pastures.

They just made visitors verboten in my friends apartment complex, so there is another avenue of social interaction gone! Don't know anything else to do at this point but sit back and wait, and look further into those online companies teaching english to Chinese. I recently read where the companies located in China have a whole bunch of new restrictions including having to have a passport; I will check out the ones state side first, even though the Chinese-based companies are reported to be the best employers.

The really shitty thing about my current situation is that I need to leave the state now and go to family in a neighboring state, but since I puttered around doing that it may be on stay indefinitely. You never know when something like this is coming down the pike; it is just about always something, and I just didn't strike when the iron was hot, though its only been 7 months since mothers death, and I have a low grade dysthymia that probably never goes completely away unless I am so tired I forget how lonely I am.

This is the worst problem with being a single person into your sixties without kids: nobody needs you anymore, and you feel like a useless appendage just waiting for SS to kick in. I would like to make myself useful in the reserve health corp, as I was a former respiratory therapist ages ago, but they arent looking for me now as I have been out of it for over a decade.

Sad to say but true, I am in some ways the ideal candidate, because no children or wife or even girlfriend, needs me. I am totally expendable and its always sad to realize that in any state of affairs.

Hello...I am full of a lot of questions this morning, including one of the most basic: How are we going to "open up" an economy when we don't have enough tests to know who the symptomatic carriers are? We also don't have a vaccine to take care of the seasonal nature of the new virus; we don't have any magic bullet treatment either, although one of the most promising is donated plasma from the recovered to siphon out the antibodies. Hope to hell that becomes widely enough available to turn this thing around...There is also unpublished evidence of viral mutation to a more contagious form; and that more contagious form is now the dominant virus being passed on; this is not peer reviewed yet that I know of...

Since I was a caretaker 24/7 and only filed my mothers taxes, I had to do a separate filing without any numbers just for me to show up in the database to get the stimulus. I suspect many "off the books" people, and others who are just plain scared of being deported, are not going to get stimulus checks, so I guess we have to hope for trickle down. I have had a recurring daydream of buying a metal detector and finding a treasure chest full of gold coins in the backyard, but even that dream is dying pretty quickly.

It's abundantly clear from historical literature, that people alone in their rooms can be anything from magically creative to horribly destructive to themselves or others--when you have lots of solititude you have no alternative voices to straighten out the crooked paths are lone voices sometimes call us to set out on; and lets face it too much solititude, like time in total isolation cells in prison, drives you into insanity. Again, without alternate voices apprising you of your condition, you may never know. This is the worst of times, but also the best in terms of finding out what kind of residual character you hope to hell you have. Many come thru in ways they are proud of later on; many also horde and close themselves off completely.

It's just like being found dead after a week and a half of falling on the floor and smashing your head; you are vulnerable if you are elderly and relatively alone, but you really don't feel the vulnerability until some catastrophe showing you how inadequate you are, relative to all the physical and mental challenges you face, and by the time you realize you need help, you may be another body bag on its way to the morgue.

Right now, its seems a little surreal to discover my life is significantly different from what it was before, and realizing if the world could be taught my personality, no government edict concerning social distancing would ever be necessary.

Another major misunderstanding on Facebook just the other day; I think one thing the quarantine is bringing home to me, that when you are in the wrong place, and I surely am, that nothing you do ever turns out right, because you are so self-conscious of everything you do, you are bound to screw it up. Nobody ever said that lack of self-esteem is the narrow path to truth and success; they said the opposite actually. I live in a place where absolutely nothing has worked out for me, I feel completely like an alien here, and my profound lack of success with the opposite sex has given me a persecution complex beyond the wildest limits of my imagination.

A woman friend of around 40 thinks I am hitting on her; she is married with no kids; she is happily married from what I can tell. What she does not realize is that I have a profound aversion to adultery; My parents were in a nasty divorce when I was 12, and I was profoundly traumatized by that, and since it involved rather obvious adultery with a younger woman by my father, I doubt I am ever going to have a view of adultery that is positive. But since I am an older male close to senior citizenship, I assume this woman just thinks I am trolling for younger woman. Even though I have never even come within a thousand miles of adultery with anyone!

It just doesn't matter what I do in this state; it honest to God seems cursed. Why the hell I had the loyalty or insanity of being a liberal in a Bible thump state for 40 years, and never wanting to seriously move, is something for neurologists and shrinks to figure out, I have given up on it. I think it may have to do with the cataclysm of disloyalty that followed my parents break up--I became super-loyal to compensate for the original betrayal??? Not sure, but I am not so sad about all the misunderstanding; if people truly knew each other, they might be so shocked that social distancing would be inadequate to provide everyone with the necessary distance from strangers most would require after all was revealed. So I guess I will thank my guardian angel that I'm only alienated...

Why doesn't anyone come out with the honest truth and just say that reconciliation in this divided country would take mammoth amounts of humiliation and rejection, and the batting away of hands reaching across the aisle, and most have too much shitty personal pride ever to take such a humiliating and ego-crushing adventure. It might be worth it to the society; but personally, most would never venture forth. It's not a time for bullies; but we have been bullies for so long, we really don't know what else to do..

The present is the social distance between the past and the future; and the past being ignored in ahistorical America, makes it cast an even longer shadow--our amnesia is assurance that the dark shadow of suspicion of strangers that has haunted America since its inception, will never truly be expelled by the light of reason and compassion. I see short term heroics now, followed by our hunkering back down in our socio-economic classes and political divisions. Please world, prove me wrong.

I have a great family friend who has been on chemo forever; and it seems she will be on it forever; they give her no time parameters, and have left it up in the air whether she survives at all. She lives alone, and doesnt really have family to rely on, as her mother is in a nursing home, her brother has multiple bad medical problems, and one her other brothers is mentally challenged. Her young sister fled the coup long ago and lives in Washington State. So at the very least I would like to try and assist her thru this nightmare; but she doesn't seem to particularly thrilled with my visiting her, and I don't think its because of the COVID virus, though obviously she is immuno-comprimised; she does have health challenges that are particularly dangerous when further challenged with viral pathogen...

My mother just passed away in September with metastatic lung CA; she already had vascular dementia, so in some ways this was a blessing in disguise, as I did not want to be in the room when she first stated she did not know who I was--I dreaded this moment like the plague. It never happened because she died of the cancer before total dementia hit. I was her caretaker 24/7 for 12 years; I am in very bad financial shape right now; hopefully I will see light at the end of the tunnel before I too croak(I am 61).

My first girlfriend in 18 years, who was 20 years younger than myself (which considering my level of social development is probably too old for me), and just about totally blind, broke up with me after about 6 months of dating, which is probably longer than could have been reasonably expected, considering we had very little in common, she live 60 miles away, can't drive, and she complained about not being able to see me enough. I suppose I should be grateful that she ever went out with me in the first place; she is somebody I love regardless of any relationship, a sunny light in the world who overcomes her disability and shines light into most who come her way. I love her so much; there is not adequate words to express the heartbreak, because it is more like a heart shred. I didn't want to become friends with her, because even though obviously I am too old for her, seeing her date other men while I am alone and lonely, would just be too painful at this point. Why pick at old wounds? And I have always been one who takes at least a year to get over somebody I truly loved, so I am not going to be dating seriously right after a big break-up.

Just a couple of days ago, my best friend of 45 years, who used to be my girlfriend in my early 20s, basically told me after I made overtures to her, that she could never love me or anyone else because she doesn't love herself. She was abused in childhood; she has had horrible luck with men; she too spent a goodly portion of adulthood helping her ailing mother who recently passed away; she has a rather dysfunctional family; she works constantly, and until corona virus came, she was virtually busy 7 days a week. I love this woman with all my heart and all my soul, and when I asked her to give me back my promise ring I gave her 7 years ago (one of those loose packs where if we meet no other indispensable winners we decide we might marry), she stormed over and dropped it behind the glass storm door, mean-mugging like Trump at his most dismissive, refusing to talk to me as she retreated toward her car in an endlessly scornful loop of "I don't want to talk to you" "I don't want to talk to you". Little did she know what I had to say; little did she know I wanted not only to welcome her violence, but offer myself in sacrifice to appeasing it. I wanted to show her that she was worth taking any amount of abuse for; that I was willing to go to any length to please her, because of two reasons: You simply have to expect the abused to be abusers; you simply have to be willing, whether its blacks or woman or the raped or the tortured to realize within a certain subset of these populations, the continual desire of revenge for all the wrongs perpetrated. You have to be willing to sacrifice some dignity to let them know that you not only are sympathetic, but you would be similar if you had endured what they had endured. They hate you because you love them and they hate themselves--sympathy and empathy let them know you are willing to entertain the abuse not because of mashochism, but because you think they are worth suffering for, as all people who are worth something to you are worth suffering for...

This is of course from a moral perspective; practically carried-out is a hell of a lot thornier. Everything carried-out is a lot thornier.

I need to leave where I am currently living; obviously the pandemic has precluded that possibility for the forseeable future, and everyone says you can't run away from your problems, although living in a red state meant very little help to take care of my mother. In fact, the local CICOA branch which supplied a woman to watch my mother a couple times a week for a few hours, has such a great rate of turnover with their workers, they didn't know that thru a lawyer and gifting I was eligible to actually get paid to take care of mom. By the time I found out that program had been going on for 5 years, and when she finally got Medicaid thru the lawyer, she died. So she was out about 3500 for nothing. I have to say I am disappointed in a place, that refuses to admit that words about families coming first, does not replace actual action to help families; and God knows, you don't want to leave taking care of the elderly to nursing homes or even homecare (expensive)...I think if they want to stay in the home and be taken care of by family, you should provide some financial incentives to be able to do this, otherwise the family values bullshit is just another hot air dispenser of lofty words and precious little action.

I am in dire straits financially because of this; the other reason being mom never wanted to sue my father for never paying alimony, though he was a hell of a lot better than some in the 70s, because he did pay child support. But what she lost there was a couple of hundred thousand dollars in the many years she received no alimony, and she emphatically stated multiple times she didn't want to sue my father . So now in the middle of a crisis, I have 15,000 left in the bank (not that much), nobody else to rely on, a left rotator cuff injury that has been exacerbated by falling in the street, a neighborhood where I don't really know anyone anymore (the financial crisis of a previous decade wiped out those who weren't wiped out by disease, death or fear of crime), and an economy and nation collapsing like an imploding building while the top-floor parties like its 2099. And I feel fairly lucky...

Nobody in America is ever very well prepared for death, and I worked in hospitals for many years. The youth culture, the brand new, the fact that newer machines can perform tasks much more efficiently than old machines (though their durability is often not superior), the fact that many still die in hospitals instead of hospice or home, and the really important factor that in an advanced society people expect the elderly to be very costly gobbling up healthcare and social security dollars, makes this a youth-oriented culture, in terms of the zeitgeist and social pronouncements. Of course, given the fact that we want eternal youth in our adults, and eternal adulthood in our youths (ever hear some of the pop pitched to 10 year olds?).

I don't claim my youth was a joyous romp thru health and exploration--I had a suicide attempt (hanging), got into mild drugs and then prescription drugs (pain meds for shoulder; headache pills), and meandered around for quite a bit before finding healthcare. Few girlfriends and great loneliness, and a tendency to alienate others with moody behavior and grand gestures attempting to balance it all out. I may have even scared the shit out of a few people with some lurid poems, and some extremely graphic letters that were done to scare people who had hurt me. One wonderful effect of having a less than ideal young adulthood, as that as you age, you are not looking into rose-colored mirrors at the glorious past behind you, regretting the sweet dew of lost youth and the nirvana that the young are supposedly perpetually in--you know it wasn't that way for you, and probably not for everybody else. So theoretically you should age more gracefully than eternal adolescents (which some have accused me of being, probably because the unpopular and unmarried just aren't as jaded as some, and because there is some regression and social retardation in those who have been sheltered by parents to a great extent; I am the original oedipal wreck).

I don't do these exercises of lurid lament, because I want to glory in past sins or seek undue sympathy or stoke the black winds of self-termination; I am doing them like writing peoples names on papers you burn in fires, to finally free yourselves of them symbolically. I am freeing myself-hopefully- of self-destruction, and if in the course of my freeing myself, I end up ruminating into self-fulfilling- prophecy-destruction...Well life is chock full of such delicious ironies.

Lost another friend to Facebook: this time, a pretty simple and standard mistrust--I was supposedly hitting on a married woman. She found my language to be insinuating, more than just friendly overtones; I think having a woman friend 20 years younger than oneself might be a technical impossibility, at least for somebody who has no money, and is now trained by long hours of loneliness and boredom, to be way too loose with their words and way too desperate for human companionship.

I am one who goes to places in the human fabric I am simply not ultimately welcome, whether I cross political barriers (frequently), or age barriers (not quite as much); you find out not in uncertain terms, just why people stay so tribal and dont mix, either socioeconomically or politically or fill-in-the-blanks. Nobody is really prepared or has the reserve of self-esteem to take all the rejection. 

If you are only going to love those who you know will return the affection, you haven't really risked much, and that's why the tribalism of the nuclear family unit is so primitive--if the love you give your kids is the best and the love they give you is the best, there isn't really going to be a hell of a lot of room for the big chances you must take to build bridges, bridges not based on common courtesy or money and business. Most kids love their parents and vice versa; it may get trying but generally family members have some kind of love for other family members, however buried by distance or time or early trauma.

So putting the family first, putting first the first tribe, might mean bridge-building to the political or social other, might not be too swift or furious--and often, probably really isn't happening at all.

In other words, we may all be in this together, but when the smoke clears, we will be back in our neighborhoods of ourselves and our little tribes, the golden moment of catyclysm gone, and the painful outlines of a money worshipping culture back in all their stark relief. I for now, just wish to be at peace for awhile by myself...

Hi there my fellow inmates, time to learn in prison, not want to bust out, because the rules of quarantee say we should all value our individual freedom over the rules of social safety and pandemic aversion. Patriotism is not best served when flaunting a contempt for science; our constitution is not best served when doing things that will lead to more deaths and heartache. Being an asshole who doesnt care about others will not lead to more freedom--ever. Please stay the course until we have better measures for testing and tracing; if there are too many sick people, some will have to die alone without treatment in a very troubling scenario indeed...

Looks like those protests that are "breaking out" are very similiar to the tea party ones, though I doubt the American people are stupid enough to want to ignore critical healthcare information and practice because rich people are tired of losing money, and a famous conspiracy theorist has another home he is eyeing. Who gives a shit what the ideologically driven and greed obsessed think about either science of morality? They are the movers and shakers of the lying part of the American Dream, and the fact they arent dust yet, speaks legions about how friendly some are to the people who stoke their biggest fears and loudest paranoias. We have always been a fear-driven populace, but perhaps this time sobriety will win out. Note I say perhaps...

I guess it's a great hope for America that so many are called by their own conscience to help in crisis; people who seem flailing for purpose understand the dire circumstances and step-up in ways that truly do seem super-heroic. But from 9=11 to now, it seems once the black sea of doom starts retreating, many if not all, return to previous ways, not always due to the fact they have forgotten the suffering and sacrifice, but simply because the overall orientation of our society is to the consumer purpose, and the nuclear family myth. We still live in a world of fiction that is more reactive than proactive; and reality won't come out on our side forever as we forget natures rebellion, and act like we rule our fate forever,without any blowback from 40 years of anti government rhetoric and rebellion by the mass wealthy.

The relatively poor have stepped up in a lot of wars, and they will have to step up again. I guess the moral victory shouldn't be construed as nothing, but the moral victory won't pay the bills...

Well, I have one good friend left, and she is coming over today. She says she can't wear a mask because "it makes my glasses fog up." I have never personally had this happen to me, and I have been wearing glasses since 13, and I was in healthcare for years. Maybe I am a lighter breather...

I am thinking of an interesting corollary to Descartes famous dictum "Cogito Ergo Sum" (I think because I am), where Descartes demonstrates that even if a malignant creature like the Devil is deceiving him, then he at leasts know there is something to deceive--hence he knows he exists. Maybe that is why in times of crisis like this where everyone is isolated, or in times of just general crisis or lack of confidence in leadership, people tend to multiply conspiracy theories or who the current devil de jour is: since large disasters tend to make people feel they have disappeared amongst the giant forces clashing and forming the realities of the day, reminding themselves of who they are being fooled by, or what forces beyond their control they are being manipulated by, reminds them that they exist?

What's really frightening is when, after years of self-reflection, which you have a lot of time to do when you are a caretaker, after years of it you realize that the greatest deceiver of yourself was you; and after that revelation you either characterize yourself as the devil, or a relatively innocent bystander vulnerable to all the unsavory attitudes and influences of the day, and you begin to either hate your evil or rue your naivete. You have to wonder those who completely blame themselves: is that really accurate of just narcissistic? Who really controls their destiny like God creating the heavens, or an artist creating a canvas on film or with paint? Nobody has those kind of powers; there are plenty of things the dictator cannot control, and god knows he has more control over the overall situation, at least more than anyone else unless he/she is mad.

Sometimes I feel that I don't know the past person; I made so many mistakes that its almost as though I were trying to sabotage myself, which I guess is just suicide lite, which feels almost more cowardly than suicide, as though I want to end it all without drama and without leaps of eraser-faith. Sort of what they call crawling into a corner and dying.

But the one great thing about being inside a personal revolution; it's very hard to go into a corner and collapse and give up, precisely because you constantly are questioning just exactly what giving up is, and you aren't even sure what you were previously--if it all was a misunderstanding of yourself or human nature, and that one day you will wake from the dream and find everything was fine, sort of like being taken from the middle of traffic into pentacostal ascension.

Of course, the dream you wake from could be life itself. I guess everyone wakes from that dream eventually...

Remember Ann Sextons "Suicides are Carpenters, they never ask: Why Build?" Which I always thought was pretty and vividly accurate--suicide feels like a black psychic glacier where the darkness losses its grip on the earth and cascades down into the soul burying all purpose, all hope, all reason. I was in this state off and on for years and years, just assuming somehow everything always turns out for the best--not because I was hopeful, but more because I just couldn't think of any alternative--even when its pretty obvious the world is about as fair and objective as balls loaded with Viagra.

Yesterday at the Walgreens, people were acting very self conscious and some were wearing masks, everyone was obeying the social distancing tape on the floor and staying at least 6 feet away from each other in line, and most of the food was not yet stripped from the shelves. All the frozen crap I'm eating is probably putting enough salt in me to stock the ocean, so I ordered from a grocery delivery service--actually two grocery delivery services--and the stuff has been back ordered for days as they try and find a delivery window so I can get restocked. I usually never have a problem of course; the streets are empty yet or even nearly so, but I am assuming the majority of the people at this point are probably staying home, or at least severely curtailing episodes getting out just for the sake of getting out. I'm not sure if the park I use is off limits yet or not.

From what I can tell, most people seem to be expecially suited for this epidemic to resolves itself just a little more slowly than a typical sitcom resolves--doubtful that will happen. Our relatively slow response has not hastened an easy truce--timing is everything in infection control, one thing I learned working in hospitals trying to control outbreaks by gown and glove and handwashing. You have to start early or the conflagration is difficult to control. Part of every crisis is always how well you prepare; part of every crisis is how well you react to the fact that you havent prepared. History as always will be the final judge, and I guess in a free country, suicide by neglect is just as viable as death from above, if maybe even more tragic.